LESSON 8: Money Isn't Nothing.

Like many sorta-liberal, sorta-hippie, independent NYC gals in their early 30s, I never wanted to believe a wealthy man was the key to a happy life. On the contrary, in fact. I have dated enough moneybags to know, they’re more trouble than they’re worth. In short, I’ve always found that money often equals freaky, weird, fucked-up.

BUT I also knew I couldn't live with poor.

My career has never ever been the driving force of my life. However, in the last few years, I’ve established one. A decent one, actually. These days, I could easily take care of myself, a small child and even a cute puppy, if one found its way under the Christmas tree. But even in my pre-working girl days of fun, travel and freelance, I managed to live decently, never incurring debt nor sleeping on too many couches (some i admit). Overall, I lived within my means, one pizza slice at a time. Sure, I couldn't afford a lot of banana pudding from Magnolia but I had my basic needs covered. And then, a few years ago, I knew I wanted more. So I got myself a real job. Do I cheer when I wake up every morning to go to work? No. Do I ask for sleepless nights dreaming up the big idea for a reinsurance company? No. Can I live with it, because I’m a grown-up who can take care of myself and contribute to something, anything other than my self-involved self? Yes, sadly.

My point: if you want a grown-up relationship, don't get involved with a pauper. Generally speaking, people who can take care of themselves, financially and emotionally, are more likely to have the bandwidth and ability to support another person—and I'm not talking about financially. Wanna be in a well-balanced relationship? Don't get involved with someone raiding your couch for lunch money.

You may wonder how I define "poor". I actually think of it as more a state of mind than circumstancial. Meaning a 27-year-old creative writing grad student with ambition and potential is very different than a 45-year-old career Dominos pizza delivery boy. And of course, we all have our individual definitions. After the age of 26, I could no longer date another struggling actor. But then again, that probably had nothing to do with the money thing.

Ultimately, you're gonna do what you want to get to where you're going. And hopefully, you'll learn lots of good stuff a long the way. But at the very least, heed my advice: Stay away from actors*—however poor or wealthy. Don't say, I didn't warn you.

*you know the kind

Lesson 7: First Soul-Search. Then Soulmate Search.

We’ve all gone through personal crises—for some, it’s the realization that your 22-year career has been a huge mistake; for others, it’s the discovery you’ve been drinking decaf for the last two months. Whatever it is, it rocks your world in such a way that you question EVERYTHING—your life, your purpose, your choices, your family, friends, partners, job, home, or for some, lack thereof.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the exact WRONG time to drag anyone into your personal drama.

It’s a fact of life, we all have bigger baggage at many points of our lives. But if you’re looking to get into a relationship, strive to bring the lightest load possible.

Yes, people grow in relationships. And yes, there are ample opportunities to develop. But only when you’re able to see them. Right now, you can’t find a tree in the forest.

I’m not saying someone new won’t be able to give you a new perspective and help you emotionally through a rough patch. It’s possible, but it’s short-lived and highly-dysfunctional. You must ask yourself, “Who is this person? And why is she wiping the snot from my nose and making this big investment in someone she met last week?” You might say you offer something else to him that he needs. Most likely though, you’re just two troubled souls providing each other solace until you break up and realize you’ve got some stuff to sort out on your own. That’s the thing with relationships, they’re great hiding spots.

I had a succession of relationships with really troubled characters and I am fairly certain that I caused more damage than good—to them and certainly to myself. I was looking for stable, normal relationships with men with whom I became emotionally attached and were completely unable to reciprocate, as they were so entirely up their own butts in their own issues. This, I can assure you, was no fun for me and made me question what the hell I was doing. For them, I allowed them to avoid their issues until the relationships ended and until they found their next pathetic victims, god bless them. Sadly, some people will always live in a permanent crisis. I have no answers for this.

So when do you know it’s safe to get into a relationship? Well, only you know when you’re able to stand on your own, without crutches or an electric scooter. And when you are ready, you’re more likely to find some other not-crippled individual. Sure, you may need some piggy-back rides along the way, but at the end, you’ll always have your own two, beautiful (or crusty and callused) feet to keep you standing.

Remember, successful relationships involve two strong people. When two people enter a relationship in positions of strength, there is a healthy balance of give and take—which over time will fluctuate with shifting needs and circumstances. Without this delicate balance, your relationship is sure to be one more area for crisis. But maybe you’re into that sort of thing.