LESSON 4: Be Grateful for the Fade-Out

A few winters ago I was fixed up by a friend of mine. The guy was a magazine publisher, Jack, and we hit it off on our first date. Lightning didn’t strike or anything but we liked each other and we made a second date a week later. Again, good date. He took me to Artisanal and we had great fondue with lots of fine cheese. What’s not to like? Our third date the next week was plain awkward. To provide a little bit of context, we had not gone further than kissing on the corner hailing separate cabs at the end of our dates. And that’s precisely what happened at the end of the evening of our really strange third date. Anyway, I was hoping to never hear from him again. I certainly wasn’t gonna contact him. There was no need to confirm the obvious. I WANTED the fade-out.

So what happens? He emails me and explicitly states that he doesn’t think we would work out. Um, really? No kidding. Ughhh. I was so mad. How did he get off “breaking up” with me? Weren’t we supposed to let this go gracefully? Did he really need to confirm the obvious? Jeez, I could’ve wrote him the same email but DIDN’T. Because it WASN’T necessary. We hadn’t emailed in a few days, we didn’t sleep together, he was a brother of a friend of a friend… it was NOT necessary to REJECT me. And as gentlemanly as I’m sure he thought he was being, he actually looked like a big fat jerk. So in that instance, ladies and gentlemen, not fading-out was a jerk move.

Yes, I fully support the fade-out—in any non-serious dating situation. I am not a sadist nor masochist. I think when it’s pretty clear the feelings aren’t there and there are no obligations, the fade-out is the BEST way out. Why suffer the needless drama and feelings associated with rejection/rejecting? WHY? Really now. Who needs it?

Ok, but what happens when you really like someone who is fading you out? First consideration: does this person have any obligations to you? Let’s define obligations. For me, it’s if you’ve been dating “seriously” (whatever you mean by that) for over a couple of months. (But of course, this is another post topic to be tackled later.)

If there is no obligation then well, you call him once/twice to follow up. And if there’s no response after your attempts, that person is a jerk plain and simple. But he is a kind jerk. Really, did you need an explanation? What would it do for you but make you question your self-worth and obsess over every little step/misstep of your short-lived relationship? This person is NOT for you, that’s it. Trust me on this. As my very wise friend Peter says, “Your true love won’t reject you.” This I believe. If you need a reason, chalk it up to the ex or her job or “bad timing”—which I think is always a big factor. Whatever, it’s probably not personal. And if it is, who cares? It’s his problem. Not yours. You’re now extricated from a relationship with no future. How great is that?

So what happens if you’re being faded-out by someone who really owes you more? Well, you hunt her down and pelt her with frozen marshmallows. Just kidding. This person is not a kind jerk but a jerk-jerk of the worst kind. This fade-out I don’t approve of. It’s a lousy, cowardly thing to do. And you do not want to be involved with a coward. Of course, you aren’t necessarily a coward if you do cowardly things. But after you call/email/text him a few too many times and there are no/few adequate responses. You’ve got yourself a coward that you can kiss goodbye. And the break-up was probably long overdue anyway.