Lesson 7: First Soul-Search. Then Soulmate Search.

We’ve all gone through personal crises—for some, it’s the realization that your 22-year career has been a huge mistake; for others, it’s the discovery you’ve been drinking decaf for the last two months. Whatever it is, it rocks your world in such a way that you question EVERYTHING—your life, your purpose, your choices, your family, friends, partners, job, home, or for some, lack thereof.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the exact WRONG time to drag anyone into your personal drama.

It’s a fact of life, we all have bigger baggage at many points of our lives. But if you’re looking to get into a relationship, strive to bring the lightest load possible.

Yes, people grow in relationships. And yes, there are ample opportunities to develop. But only when you’re able to see them. Right now, you can’t find a tree in the forest.

I’m not saying someone new won’t be able to give you a new perspective and help you emotionally through a rough patch. It’s possible, but it’s short-lived and highly-dysfunctional. You must ask yourself, “Who is this person? And why is she wiping the snot from my nose and making this big investment in someone she met last week?” You might say you offer something else to him that he needs. Most likely though, you’re just two troubled souls providing each other solace until you break up and realize you’ve got some stuff to sort out on your own. That’s the thing with relationships, they’re great hiding spots.

I had a succession of relationships with really troubled characters and I am fairly certain that I caused more damage than good—to them and certainly to myself. I was looking for stable, normal relationships with men with whom I became emotionally attached and were completely unable to reciprocate, as they were so entirely up their own butts in their own issues. This, I can assure you, was no fun for me and made me question what the hell I was doing. For them, I allowed them to avoid their issues until the relationships ended and until they found their next pathetic victims, god bless them. Sadly, some people will always live in a permanent crisis. I have no answers for this.

So when do you know it’s safe to get into a relationship? Well, only you know when you’re able to stand on your own, without crutches or an electric scooter. And when you are ready, you’re more likely to find some other not-crippled individual. Sure, you may need some piggy-back rides along the way, but at the end, you’ll always have your own two, beautiful (or crusty and callused) feet to keep you standing.

Remember, successful relationships involve two strong people. When two people enter a relationship in positions of strength, there is a healthy balance of give and take—which over time will fluctuate with shifting needs and circumstances. Without this delicate balance, your relationship is sure to be one more area for crisis. But maybe you’re into that sort of thing.